In the last decade, I’ve talked to thousands of people about their boundary issues. The stories you’ll read in this book came from those conversations. A few stories have been told without alteration, using real names and circumstances, always with that person’s blessing. In most cases, I’ve changed names and other details as needed to protect people’s privacy. In still others, I’ve merged multiple conversations into one cohesive story. Always, I have tried to capture the full depth and breadth of the many issues—and opportunities—that arise when we set boundaries.

When it comes to gendered terms (like “wife” or “hers”), I’ve preserved what was sent to me by my readers. If you see a specific gendered term, that story was told to me using those terms or pronouns. In the scripts or stories in this book, there are instances where I’ve merged multiple narratives into one. In those cases, I’ve used the gender-neutral pronouns “they/them” and gender-neutral terms like “partner” or “manager.”

Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. (And if you’ve never thought about it like that, it’s probably because, like me, you have a lot of unearned privilege.) Because I am white, straight, able-bodied, financially secure, and thin, I am afforded a certain degree of power in our society. Those privileges and that power mean I can speak a boundary with relative confidence, and generally expect others to respect my wishes. People who belong to historically marginalized groups—whether people of color, disabled, plus-sized, or LGTBQ+—don’t have the same privilege, the same power, or the same relationship to boundaries that I do. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)

I have to be conscientious of this power disparity in my work, but awareness has value only if it leads to changed behavior and sustained action. This recognition is just one small step, and an acknowledgment that I will not accurately capture everyone’s lived experiences in this book.

I am grateful to each and every person who has so generously shared such intimate details of their life with me. And if we’ve never spoken, I hope that you will see your own stories reflected in those I tell here, and that they will give you the confidence you need to set the limits that will set you free.