If We Break: A Memoir of Marriage, Addiction, and Healing
Book Preface
Every year, on Thanksgiving morning, we drove from our rental to the beach where an unassuming little shingled house sat up on a sand dune, looking out toward the water. The year before, the house had been surrounded by sandbags to protect it from the encroaching ocean. This year, as we drove up to where the house once stood, it was gone. The ocean had taken it over.
We parked our cars and got out. This would be the first year we didn’t stand in front of that little house for a family picture. I imagined the heartbreak of the family who owned it. The house was gone, and that felt like a message from the universe: This chapter is over.
Hunter and I walked down to the beach as all the kids scattered along the shoreline and his parents’ dog, Champ, ran among us. I wanted to soak up every minute we had together. At the time, everything in my life felt untethered. My brother-in-law was dying from cancer, my husband was struggling with addiction, and I’d just learned about his infidelity. Nothing felt normal, and yet I clung to this tradition. I clung to my family.
As we stood on the beach, the sky gray and the wind strong, I leaned my head against Hunter. “How far can we step back before we fall?” I said to him as I turned, my head still resting against his. With our foreheads firmly pressed together, we each took a step back. We tried to balance ourselves as we continued to step back to the point where we could still hold each other up without falling.
Our lives were breaking but I desperately wanted us to be okay. I needed him to hold me up and he needed me. That was what I’d based my life on and what I strongly believed—that we needed each other. Neither of us could survive without the other. But in the end, in so many ways, we both broke. The question I couldn’t answer then was: How would I survive?
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Prologue
Part I: Before
Chapter One: Portland
Chapter Two: The South Side
Chapter Three: Will You Marry Me?
Chapter Four: It’s a Girl
Chapter Five: Belonging
Chapter Six: That Girl with Her Trumpet
Chapter Seven: Need
Chapter Eight: Quitting
Chapter Nine: And Did You Get What You Wanted from This Life, Even So?
Chapter Ten: Crossroads
Chapter Eleven: You Cannot Tell Anyone
Chapter Twelve: Quest for Friends
Chapter Thirteen: A Silly Girl from Chicago
Chapter Fourteen: A New Reality
Chapter Fifteen: Biden Blood
Part II: During
Chapter Sixteen: The Beginning of What’s Next
Chapter Seventeen: My Favorite Person
Chapter Eighteen: Something Shattered
Chapter Nineteen: Are You Okay?
Chapter Twenty: Seems Lonelier This Time
Chapter Twenty-one: Flags
Chapter Twenty-two: No Comfort, No Cure
Chapter Twenty-three: Drunk at Christmas
Chapter Twenty-four: Do You Know Where Hunter Is?
Chapter Twenty-five: The Photographs
Chapter Twenty-six: My Shame
Chapter Twenty-seven: The Navy
Chapter Twenty-eight: Abiding Love
Chapter Twenty-nine: The Good Wife
Chapter Thirty: Fireworks
Chapter Thirty-one: It’s Not About the Chicken
Chapter Thirty-two: Why Do You Keep Leaving Us?
Chapter Thirty-three: Detective Work
Chapter Thirty-four: Emotional Life Support
Chapter Thirty-five: No More Secrets
Part III: After
Chapter Thirty-six: A New Battle, a New Plan
Chapter Thirty-seven: Good Friday
Chapter Thirty-eight: Say Your Life Is Great, and Snap, Something Bad Happens
Chapter Thirty-nine: Trust Me on This
Chapter Forty: Reclaiming My Name
Dedication
Acknowledgments
About the Author
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