Healthy Progress by Erin R Flynn

“I’ll help you, Tams,” Julian promised over and over again. “We’ll figure this out and figure out what’s going on.”

Why isn’t he hugging me? Julian would hug me and take the opportunity to hug me.

“You told me not to touch you,” he whispered.

“What?” I whispered, still crying no matter how hard I tried to stop.

“You’re projecting your thoughts to me,” he explained, nodding when I winced. “You told me not to touch you. Of course I want to hug and comfort you, but—I never know what to do, Tams. I’m so tied up that—tell me what to do.”

I didn’t know either, but I really did want the hug and comfort even if it came from the asshole who kept breaking me. I needed to feel like I could be solid again instead of this detached mess.

It was probably the wrong, selfish thing to do, but I scooted closer and basically moved between his legs. He had squatted down in front of me at some point in my sobbing, and that would probably be an awkward way to hug me.

He seemed to understand that and sat on the ground, pulling me onto his lap. “I will figure this out. I swear it. And don’t worry, I know this doesn’t make us okay. I won’t take this as anything more than help or read into it. I’ll try not to, but I’m stupid and mess everything up. I just need you to be okay. I won’t abuse this.”

It was probably stupid to believe him, but he sounded as lost and scared as I felt. For some reason that comforted me a bit.

“Where are we?” I asked when I finally seemed to calm down some.

“The fucking house I hate that is now mine,” he muttered. “I just want to burn it to the ground. I can’t—sorry, this isn’t—sorry.”

I nodded, understanding he was upset too and things just came out. “I think my mind is broken, Julian.”

“I don’t think that at all,” he whispered as he hugged me tighter. “I don’t think people realize they’re breaking so clearly when they actually do. I think something is going on with our powers and you’ve got a new ability. We will figure this out, my mate.”

I nodded again, not wanting to have him call me that, but it was what we were. “Can I stay here tonight?” I started to pull away when he flinched. “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s this house, not you. I don’t want you to spend more time in this house so soaked with evil, especially when you’re vulnerable.”

I slowly glanced up at him. “Then why are you here?”

“I have to be,” he whispered, looking away.

Okay, that wasn’t weird.

“Let’s just get a hotel room somewhere no one would think to look, and I’ll quietly get you a security detail.”

I wasn’t sure what I needed or to do right then so I agreed. It felt like I was also in shock, maybe from coming to Julian for help? But it was like I blinked and I wasn’t sitting on his lap anymore, but a plush chair at a hotel.

“There you are,” Stefanie whispered as I blinked around the room. She gave me a tight smile when I focused on her. “Craftsman contacted me asking for help and to not let the others know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see what was happening, Your Highness.”

“I don’t know what’s happening and I couldn’t tell anyone,” I muttered, accepting that I had probably made this worse than it needed to be. I had only one real reason for that. “I was scared.”

“I know. I know, Tamsin,” she muttered. “You’re also exhausted. You can’t shoulder what you need to without sleep.”

I agreed with her, but I was scared to fall asleep too, so I wasn’t sure what to do with that. And where had Julian gone?

Would he come back or abandon me again?

“You sounded near panic on the phone,” Edelman said, worry thick in his eyes.

When had I called Edelman? I wouldn’t have.

“Sorry to upset you and drag you out of your bed, mate,” I said.

No, Julian did.

A dream. This is a dream unless I suddenly learned how to speak with a British accent and deepen my voice. Glamour couldn’t do that.

Could it?

“What’s going on?” Edelman asked.

“I need to take a leave of absence,” Julian answered, clearing his throat when Edelman couldn’t hide his surprise. “After finals. For all of next semester. I’ll talk to Sontar, and there’s got to be a fairy who can fill in for me. Their schools aren’t even open yet. I will get the—”

“Julian, slow down,” he said as he came over and grabbed my arms.

No, Julian’s arms. It was so confusing to remember that when it felt like me. I could feel Edelman touching my arms. I was experiencing Julian’s worry like it was my own.

“Tell me what happened,” Edelman ordered.

“My mate is struggling and she came to me for help.” He pulled away and paced. “Even after all I’ve done, she came to me, and I won’t fail her again.”

“I say this as your friend, but are you in a place to be able to help anyone else?” He sighed at whatever was on Julian’s face. “You are drowning yourself. You have to finally admit that, Julian. And to her. You cannot keep going on like this and need to just tell her.”

I felt my eyes roll. “I’ll take mating advice from just about anyone else after what you said before landed me in more hot water.”

Edelman winced. “I did warn you that I wasn’t mated. But, I said her videos seemed to also ask you to prove you did—and do—truly love her and it wasn’t all a lie. I stand by that. I didn’t think you would hear that advice as being flirty and sexy. That’s not love.”

“It is if I’m willing to make such an ass of myself,” he grumbled, sounding like a petulant kid instead of the confident man I knew. “I have to help her, Kyle. She came to me and has at least this much trust in me. Something inside of me knows I can do this. Even if I can’t get her back, I have to do it.”

“Do you think that’s why the gods made you mates?”

“I think it might be the answer to my prayers which I hate because I didn’t want her to fucking suffer anymore.” He sighed when Edelman frowned. “I’ve been asking for a way to be able to prove I can put her first, show it was real and I’m not as selfish as I keep acting. I didn’t think it would be like this. I didn’t want this. I wanted…”

“I know, I know, Julian,” he whispered, making me realize that Julian was crying. He hugged the younger warlock. “You try so hard, but that is not always what is needed. The simplest explanation is normally the correct one. You know this.”

“What is it?” he choked out. “I don’t even know anymore.”

“Tell her the truth, idiot. Tell her what’s really going on with you. Tell her about your depression. Tell her how you hurt. Tell her that you haven’t been sleeping. All of it. Tell her about the panic attacks. How can you ask her to give you another chance when you still won’t fully let her in?”

“She has too much to bear already,” Julian argued. “I can’t make her shoulder more.”

“Julian, she’s already bearing it,” Edelman sighed. “If you explain what has truthfully been going on, you can maybe take some of that pain off her stress. What do you have to lose at this point? Can you not trust her?”

“No, I always trust her. Tamsin does—her soul is good.”

“Then why can you not share the truth with her?”

I felt tears trail down his cheeks faster. “What if I do and she still won’t accept me? No matter what I’ve been through, my mum always accepted me. I don’t have—I miss that.”

“Is that why you love Tamsin?”

“No. She makes me feel everything I didn’t know I could.”

“Then trust her. If you’re willing to put your career on hold for her, trust her to hear you, Julian. She might not forgive you, but she deserves to know the truth.”

“I’ll try.”

“Good and get some damn sleep or you won’t be of any good to her.”

I woke with a start, glancing around in confusion as my heart raced and beat in my ears.

Julian moved into view and held his hands out in surrender. “You’re okay. I asked Stefanie to put you to sleep since you were too tired to block her. You slept for…” He glanced at his watch. “Six hours. We’re at the hotel I brought you to.”

I slowly bobbed my head. “Yeah, okay. Got it.”

“Is this normally how you wake up?” He frowned when I didn’t say anything. “I can’t help you if you aren’t honest with me, Tams. I’m sorry if it’s difficult, but I need to know.”

“You first,” I mumbled, looking away from him. “Isn’t there some things you’re supposed to tell me first?” I glanced back at him when he gasped. “What?”

“You—did you see me talking to Edelman?”

I swallowed loudly. “Did you go talk to him?”

He nodded and slowly sat on the bed. He didn’t touch me but more like he needed to sit down at hearing what I said. “What did you see?”

I blew a raspberry. “We’re going to go crazy dancing around each other. This isn’t helping and—”

“Yes, I went to Edelman,” he blurted. “I asked for a leave from Artemis. I’m taking all next semester off.” He studied me closely as I swallowed loudly. “You saw that?”

I slowly nodded. “As if I was you. That’s how I see the dreams.” I glanced from the chair where I’d been sitting to the bed now. “Were you thinking about it while I was sleeping?”

“No, I was thinking of other things.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, but this is still good news.” He nodded when I frowned. “What you’re seeing is real then, Tams. You can verify it with people and it’s—you’re not cracking. It’s just a new extension of your power we have to figure out. We can get control of this.”

I really hoped he was right. Still, it was hard to believe it was all real and not—I felt so shattered. “Then be honest and tell me something Edelman wanted you to.”

He pulled his foot up on the bed and hugged his knee, staring at the nightstand instead of meeting my gaze. “You’re going to think I’m trying to be the victim and get sympathy.”

“Why do you never have any faith in me? Was I really so horrible to you?”

“No, never. I have faith in you, Tams. I always have. It’s the perception, and you’re normally valid. You’re drowning, and I’m going to sit here and tell you what’s going on with me? That absolutely seems like I’m trying to get sympathy.” He let out a dark bark of laughter. “It seems that way even when I don’t try to. I’ve tried to be honest and it all goes so wrong.”

“Because you push it on me. I’m asking. Tell me something.”

He swallowed loudly but still didn’t meet my gaze. “I haven’t been sleeping.”

“For how long?”

“A while.”

I wanted to reach out and shake him. “How long is a while, Julian? You wanted me to care and I’m asking. Stop making me feel stupid for giving a shit about you still!”

He slowly looked at me with wide eyes and time seemed to freeze as we both absorbed my outburst. “Since I found out I was next in the Craftsman charter and would take over the family. I don’t think I’ve slept more than three hours a night since that moment.”

I couldn’t get my mouth to work. “I would have felt your exhaustion. Others would have.”

“I’m not lying,” he rasped, turning away like I’d slapped him.

“I know you’re not,” I admitted. “I’m confused. It wasn’t an accusation.” I sighed when he didn’t say anything. “How can I not know you’ve been so exhausted when you’re always around me? What am I missing?” And then it hit me. “You’re using my power level to block me from sensing you.”

He frowned but then slowly looked at me. “You really can’t tell?”

I shook my head. “I can tell with Izzy and Darby. It’s not so much exhaustion but their power level is in the tank. That’s how I can tell. I don’t like scan them.”

He opened his mouth but then closed it. “I’ve been using healing runes.”

“Yeah, but there’s only so much you can do for yourself if you’re exhausted.” I snorted. “I know from personal experience.”

Julian was quiet several moments but then winced. “I think using your power level to make it so you can’t hide from me might make me hide from you in a way I didn’t realize.” He sighed and then stared at me, seeming to focus past me.

And then I felt it. I felt his exhaustion ooze out of him like a tipped-over paint can that was slowly spreading all over the floor.

“Jesus, Julian,” I whispered. It was soaked into every inch of him, and I was honestly surprised he was standing. “You’ve been hiding this from more than me. People would have noticed.”

Pain flared in his eyes and he looked away. No, he thought they did notice and didn’t care. No one loved him anymore now that his mom had shown her true colors, and that was most of what ate at him.

I reached out without even realizing it and gave him a healing rune. I slowly gave him energy as well and felt him healing a little bit. I couldn’t do too much with such a severe case, but it was a good start.

“You really did care,” he whispered. “I thought I had broken us so badly you stopped caring that I was drowning.” He shook his head. “No, I thought you were drowning so badly that you couldn’t see what was happening to me.”

“Or both,” I said for him so he was honest. “I couldn’t tell. I just felt distance. Before the black magic even it was like you were sand slipping through my fingers again.”

“I’m sorry for that,” he muttered, focusing on the nightstand again. “I was so scared.” He shivered. “I was…”

I listened to his thoughts and sighed. “You’re an idiot.”

“I’ve never said otherwise,” he chuckled darkly. “But why this time?”

“You were terrified about being in charge of the lives of so many people. Who does that sound like? Who was dealing with the same and should have been the person you turned to?”

He winced. “Yeah, I should have turned to you. I swear… It made so much sense what my mum said. I didn’t know she hated you. She seemed… It wasn’t hate. It seemed like sadness that you had to suffer so much, or because of what you suffered you were so rough around the edges. That’s what she’d said.”

“And she told you that I wouldn’t understand what you were going through?” I pushed when he went quiet.

“No, that you had the whole a whole world on your shoulders and I shouldn’t bug you with the management of one family, a family who hurt you so badly.”

I sighed. Heavily. She wasn’t wrong, but the reason behind her advice was meant to drive a wedge between us.

“I’m sorry I listened to her,” he rasped. “I’m sorry I didn’t see that my mum loved her dreams for me more than she actually loved me.”

And that was a deep root of his depression. The person he had loved most in the world for so long hadn’t loved him more than what she wanted. And it had cost him the person who had loved him for who he was and would have given him anything.

I saw it all in his mind in a way I never had before. He took down the wall between us and now I could feel more.

I held him as he cried and finally tried to accept what had really happened and the damage it had done to him instead of pushing forward and ignoring it. That would get him nowhere.

Again, I spoke from experience on that.

We both managed to get some sleep, and I appreciated when he took the couch. He seemed to truly be hearing me when I said what I wanted. I thought about it for a bit and wondered how much would have been different if he had been sleeping as he should have for almost the past year. That was a long fucking time to be exhausted.

I knew from experience. It constantly made things seem so much worse than they were. It made me feel even more alone and just… Shredded me.

I woke before him and simply stared at his handsome face, his friggin curls hanging in his face. I realized I had so many questions for him. All I’d been able to see was my anger and pain because of my own exhaustion, but now I wanted answers.

And that scared me. I didn’t want to get pulled back in. I didn’t want to be curious.

His lashes fluttered, and I was staring into his deep emerald green eyes that used to make me feel like he saw me down to my soul. They used to make me feel so many different things than they did now and I hated that.

I hated how much had gone wrong between us.

“Why did you blame me?” I whispered. “Why hate me for what happened with your family? You told me to do it.”

He swallowed loudly and pushed his hair off his forehead as he sat up. “It wasn’t you specifically I blamed. I blamed the world. I hated the position I was in.” He let out a slow breath and leaned his forearms on his knees. “I lashed out at my ma. At Edelman and White. At everyone. I was mostly angry at myself for…”

“For what?” I growled when he didn’t answer and pushed to sit up. “I shared everything with you. Why can’t you—”

“I thought of killing myself,” he said so quietly I barely heard him.

My heart thudded in my ears. “What?”

He swallowed loudly again, staring at his hands. “When I found out it was me, and distant relatives started contacting me about the money and all of it—everything I hated about being a Craftsman, I was a mess. They hounded me and just—I was going to leave it all. My mum told me my da would never forgive me if I did that.

“And I don’t think she was being selfish then. I think she was right but not because my da was greedy. There are decent people in that family, and they would totally get screwed if someone else corrupt took over. People who need the trusts for schooling or not getting beat up for having the Craftsman name would be at risk.

“My da would have been disappointed in me if I let that happen, let the good people of his family fall through the cracks and the Craftsman name basically die. I did push you to do it and I don’t regret that, but I was so angry at how many of them were so fucking evil. Blood I have in me has that much evil.”

“And?” I pushed when he got quiet.

“I kept having nightmares I would become my uncle. I hated that and I wanted to call it all off. I knew I couldn’t, of course we couldn’t. That’s why I was angry at you. I did this mostly to protect you, and I was going to have to live my worst nightmare because of it. It wasn’t fair. I knew it then, but I was being swallowed by the responsibility.”

“I’m sorry.”

He chuckled darkly. “Of course you are because you’re perfect even after I’ve been so horrible.” He raised his head and tears were in his beautiful eyes. “I almost killed myself after the black magic. After I was swarmed with memories of what I did to you. I thought about ending it and freeing you of me and that pain.”

“That wouldn’t have freed me, Julian,” I rasped.

“It took me a bit to see that. I still… I can’t wrap my mind around what I did. Most days I think I’ve accepted it, but a lot of days it feels not real and that—you asked me how I could have missed the mark so much on trying to get you back. I think that’s part of it. Yes, I misunderstood the advice I got from Edelman and Nelson, but some of it is my own…”

“Desire to pretend that bad never happened to you?”

“I think so,” he muttered. “I think that’s what was going on with me. I don’t know. I’m honestly too exhausted to figure it out most days. I can’t get my footing and figure out what’s right or just not drown.”

Apparently, we had been living the same nightmare in several ways and neither of us had been able to talk about it. I hadn’t seen that one coming.