Effective communication techniques for couples

Research shows that poor communication is one of the leading causes of divorce, and that’s really awful considering that mastering communication is one of the stress-free exercises. It is upon the couple to understand each other and ensure that everyone’s message is received just as intended. Sadly, most couples who are unable to communicate effectively tend to shift blame on their partner for failing to get them. And in the midst of that blame game, their relationship comes crashing down. These are some of the vital communication techniques that couples ought to observe:

• Talk your issues out at the opportune time

Unless it is an extremely pressing matter, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t wait for the appropriate time to bring it up. Most couples tackle issues as they crop up, and it breeds combativeness between one another. The best way is to always mention an issue and then explain that you will both work out the issue at a certain time. This shows that you respect your partner and it compels them to cooperate. On the other hand, if you have a tendency of erupting and putting your partner in tight spots, they will get defensive, and start to resent you. And at the end of the day you won’t make any progress. Obviously, the “right time” is subjective. There are many factors to consider when choosing the opportune moment to discuss your problems, but it comes down to what makes your partner comfortable. Imaginative couples may go out on dates, talk their issues out over a meal and drinks, and the presence of other people will be an active reminder of their need to be civil. Other couples may settle for talking either before or after bed. Selecting the best time to “talk” is influenced by among other factors, personality and philosophy.

• Ensure that you get your partner’s perspective

The most practical way of ensuring you understand your partner is to pay attention especially when their words or actions stir you a lot. Hold yourself until it’s your turn to speak, but more importantly, listen to understand, rather than merely to give a response. Put your focus on the conversation and resist the “Me VS them” mentality. You should view the conversation as just two subjective arguments. To ensure that you understand your partner’s perspective, eliminate the doubts. If there’s something you want further clarification on, just ask about it. Of course it is no mean task to concentrate on a conversation that triggers your defensiveness and still be objective. Learn to recognize when you are caving in and take a short break. Every person has a breaking point. If you become overwhelmed by emotions you might be unable to follow through on your sober plan. But taking a break will help you stabilize your emotions and be able to act in a rational manner. When you understand where your partner is coming from, it doesn’t matter whether they are right or wrong, but it improves your chances of finding a common ground.

• Mind your tone and language

Realize that everyone has an ego and they are bound to fight back when you put them on blast. You may be objectively correct, but then fail to get your way simply because your language and tone is wanting. Thus, avoid using an accusatory tone whenever you are talking thing out with your partner. For instance, if your partner has been spending what you feel is a lot of money on their grooming; don’t start with “You are such a wasteful person! You used all our money on clothes and shoes” It hits at their ego and causes them to want to retaliate. But you could say something along the lines of, “I appreciate that you’ve always wanted to groom yourself like royalty, but in these hard economic times, we have got to be a little keener on how we spend money, right?” When you avoid name-calling and at the same time use a pleasant voice it shows that you respect and value your partner. Ensure that you don’t belittle your partner and be aware of your biases. Such tendencies will bring out the best in your partner when resolving issues.

• Think before you speak

You certainly don’t want to be impulsive. It’s so easy to say something hurtful or stupid in a heartbeat and cause a rift in your talks. Ensure that you weigh every word that rolls out of your mouth. This promotes a civil conversation that will see you achieve your objective. Don’t be in a hurry to say the first thing that comes to mind. When you are careless with the first word you are likely to put yourself in a hard spot and subsequent words will only worsen the situation. It is better to say nothing at all than to speak regretful words, but when you say something you shouldn’t have, offer a concise apology.

• Have facts

If the issues revolve around one or both partners doing something they shouldn’t have, then the offended party must have proof. For instance, if you suspect your partner of straying from marriage and sleeping with another person (or people), ensure that you have sufficient evidence to show that they actually strayed. Accusing your partner of infidelity when they are actually innocent could put a strain in your marriage that might be impossible to get over. In order to be the person that gathers evidence before bringing up an issue, you have to have some patience. But when you are conducting your investigations ensure that you are mature enough to keep a good attitude. Having facts and talking in a sincere and respectful fashion will grant you a productive conversation. On the other hand, coming at your partner with no facts, plus using derogatory terms, will only make the situation worse.

• Body language

They say that body language accounts for upwards of 60% of communication. This means people can tell more about you by just observing you than hearing your words. When you are communicating with your partner, it is extremely important that you keep the right body language. For instance, if you mean to tell your spouse that they look nice in their outfit, you have to face them, with your eyes lit up, and then say it. Don’t just catch their reflection on a thermos’ and then mouth off a compliment without so much as turning your neck; it would come off as insincere. Some of the body language tips to keep in mind include:

1. Eye contact: maintain a substantial amount of eye contact throughout your conversation. It shows that you are sincere and respectful and it compels your partner to act in an appropriate manner.

2. Tone: your voice is every bit as important. Use a pleasant but firm tone when outlining an issue. If the situation gets tense, don’t raise your voice. Using a commanding voice is likely to put your partner on the defensive and frustrate your objectives.

3. Posture: anything for which you have set time apart to discuss with your partner is important enough to warrant a good posture. Ensure that you are either sitting or standing upright with your head looking forward. Don’t slouch or drape your limbs over the items around you.