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Becoming the One: Heal Your Past, Transform Your Relationship Patterns



Becoming the One: Heal Your Past, Transform Your Relationship Patterns PDF

Author: Sheleana Aiyana

Publisher: Chronicle Prism

Genres:

Publish Date: June 14, 2022

ISBN-10: 1797211676

Pages: 304

File Type: Epub

Language: English

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Book Preface

I am often asked, “What is your advice for someone who wants to find ‘The One’?” Some people are disappointed to hear that I don’t subscribe to the typical notion of “The One.” This is because, while I fullheartedly believe we can find a partner who connects to us on a soul level, the idea of searching for our “one” holds a major self-limiting message. And that message is that we are somehow incomplete without another.

We are relational beings; we are designed to be in relationship. Deep in our hearts, we all want the experience of true love, yet romantic relationship is not what defines us or makes us whole. This is why my response to anyone who’s seeking love is always first to seek within. To remember that you are not waiting for confirmation from someone else to know that you are complete.

When we operate from our past wounds or seek external fulfillment, we might approach dating and relationships as if they’re a performance. We show up in whatever way we think will impress the other person or keep them interested. But we can’t win someone’s love by pretending to be someone we’re not. Nor should we want to. Instead, when we show up from a space of worth and wholeness, we become “the one” for ourselves.

Over the years, thousands of courageous and incredible women have taken my relationship program Becoming the One. Whether single, in a complicated relationship, or going through heartbreak, wherever they are on their life path, many women ask: “What am I doing wrong? Why do my relationships keep ending?”

Here’s the thing: There is nothing wrong with you if you’re single or you feel like you can’t seem to “get it right” in love. There’s nothing wrong with you if you haven’t been “chosen.”

Many of us grew up on a diet of fairy-tale romance. It was in the books we read, the movies we watched, the advertisements we saw on television—it was and is everywhere we look. We’ve been taught that we need to be an unrealistic version of “perfection” to be chosen, that somewhere out there is one magical person coming to sweep us off our feet and save us. All the while, we are given texting strategies and game-playing tactics for dating that tell us how we should act and who we should be to make ourselves more attractive.

Somewhere along the way, we learned that to be loved, we had to give ourselves away, turn down our needs, or bend to fit the expectations of others. We are constantly bombarded with messaging that we’re not enough or maybe even too much. It all boils down to a culture of self-abandonment in the name of trying to find and keep love.

But healthy love doesn’t require you to abandon or give yourself away. It doesn’t require you to change your core personality or hide your flaws. It does ask you, however, to know yourself at the deepest level, because the truth is that a conscious relationship doesn’t begin when you meet a partner. It starts the moment you decide to make your relationship with yourself a priority.

This book is about choosing yourself. It is a reminder to return to the seat of your power and recognize that love is available in many forms. But, in the end, a healthy relationship to self is what fuels all other loves we hope to have in our lives—deep friendships, strong family connections, passion for our work, and romantic love.

In life there is very little we can control outside of ourselves. We don’t get to control the timing of when our partners arrive or how long we remain with them. The work is to remain at home in ourselves, no matter what life brings—to claim the right to be joyous and powerful within a relationship or without one.

Becoming the One is your invitation to reclaim the parts of yourself that you may have lost or become disconnected from. It is an inner-work journey to healing and developing a deeper relationship to your own heart. To discover what is important to you—your values, relationship goals, and dreams—so that you can choose love from a place of self-awareness and confidence.

We All Have a Story

My earliest conditioning around love was laced with betrayal, abandonment, and abuse. I spent most of my childhood afraid of men, I never met my father, and I had an emotionally and often physically unavailable mother. Later in life, I found myself attracted to people who were unsafe for me. But even when the alarm bells were going off, I was too conditioned for chaos to choose differently.

By the age of twenty, I had spent many years numbing my pain with hard drugs and alcohol. I had witnessed my mother make multiple attempts to take her own life, lost many close people to suicide and homicide, and endured sexual violence, addiction, homelessness, and domestic abuse. My story is a part of who I am. It has put me on this path, and I’m also aware that my story is just one tiny drop in the ocean of stories of those who have suffered, and continue to, but who will never have the opportunities that I’ve had to heal and recover.

I want to acknowledge that healing is a gift and a privilege that not everyone has, and it is my hope that each person who heals will find their way of giving back in service to others. By healing ourselves we can contribute to profound change in this world.

My own healing journey didn’t truly begin until I was twenty-six years old, catalyzed by a divorce and the stripping away of my own carefully crafted walls and defenses. It was at that time that I met a spiritual teacher whom I journeyed with in Tantra, alchemy, Jungian shadow work, and conscious relationship, and I later became his apprentice. I sat with many Amazonian plant medicines, including rapé (pronounced ha-PAY), kambo, sananga, and psychedelics like DMT and psilocybin, and I eventually found my way to ayahuasca. I prayed, I wrote poetry, and I devoted myself to my healing. I intentionally remained focused on my relationship to self and ignored many date invitations from seemingly attractive suitors to focus on my inner work.

Since then, I have spent thousands of hours in self-study and training in conscious relationship, couples facilitation, family systems work, inherited family trauma, and somatic healing. It was through my own experience of hitting rock bottom and healing my relationship patterns that I came to found Rising Woman, an online community where my team and I provide conscious relationship and self-healing education to millions of people every month.

After years of running Rising Woman and guiding people through my relationship programs, I have come to recognize that many people are caught in a classic dilemma: We may logically know someone isn’t right for us, but we still find ourselves pursuing them and the same type of partner again and again.

If you grew up in a family that modeled healthy love and communication, you are the exception, not the rule. Most of us are learning along the way, at the mercy of our conditioning, repeating patterns that ultimately leave us exhausted, bitter, frustrated, or fearful that perhaps love is not in the cards for us.

While our culture is fixated on the idea of breaking or ridding ourselves of patterns, I believe that true change begins when we integrateand accept the parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden, denied, or rejected. By bringing our patterns into awareness, and understanding where they are rooted in our personal history, we can do the work to consciously transform them.

To create the love we want, we have to make space for a new story to emerge. We also have to believe that we are worthy of more. More than that, our body needs to internalize the truth that we are capable of creating healthy relationships regardless of what we’ve experienced or witnessed in our lives.

When we’re running on our past conditioning, we might not be able to see our patterns clearly. We might be on a hamster wheel, chasing unavailable love, caretaking, and trying to save people from themselves. Maybe our relationship only lasts a few months before our partner seems to get bored, ghosts, or finds someone else they like more. Maybe we stay longer than we should and put up with far too much. Maybe we’re the over-giver, or we struggle to authentically show up as soon as we start to have feelings for someone, all the while abandoning the one who needs us most—ourselves.

If you keep hitting the same wall in dating and relationships, this is not a sign that you are broken. It is a sign that somewhere along the way, you learned to sacrifice yourself in order to be loved.

While this is a painful and often frustrating pattern to live in, it’s also a sign that you haven’t given up on love, and that deep down, some part of you knows in your bones that you can have what you want.

Many of us don’t realize that when we sacrifice ourselves or change who we are in order to be loved, we give away our power in relationship. We forget that rather than fighting to be chosen, we have the power to choose. In this book, you will learn how to make peace with your past and heal your relationship patterns so that you can be fully expressed and honor the choices you make in relationship, with yourself and others.

A Call for Change

The healing work starts the moment we decide that we never want to go back to the way things were. For some of us, this moment comes when we have reached our lowest point and there’s nothing left to grasp on to. For others, it comes when we recognize we can no longer live for someone else, because in doing so we have lost the vital connection to who we are and what our soul craves. These difficult moments, however painful, can be the catalyst for real change.

There is a lot of spiritual medicine in transitional experiences. Before we can release an old chapter of our lives, we must make way for a metaphorical death. That means diving deep into whatever is left to be felt, and then surrendering to what wants to come through, allowing real transformation to occur. Being in a space of heartache, disappointment, or defeat can be a gift, for it’s in these moments that we may be the most open to change.

It is an opportunity to break open. To acknowledge what is not working, and shift directions.

You can’t turn back the hands of time and change what happened or prevent your most painful past experiences. But the good news is, your healing does not depend on anyone but you. You do not have to be bound by your past. You can choose a different way forward.

The Path to Becoming the One

In this book, you will have the opportunity to explore your conditioning, challenge your beliefs about love, and clarify your desires. So that you can consciously choose what you want in love and in life.

You will learn the practice of inner-child healing to cultivate self-esteem and internal awareness. Through defining your boundaries and your core values, you’ll see how standing firm, speaking up, and showing up authentically help people love you better. You will also develop the tools to reconnect to your body and your intuition, while fostering a relationship with nature and spirit. I will provide simple yet potent meditations and somatic practices that you can use to self-soothe and expand your capacity to ride emotional waves without grasping externally or losing yourself in the process.

Together, we will learn how to embody the qualities and the love we may be seeking in others—or in the perfect partner—and become the one for ourselves. This is the first major step in establishing or attracting a conscious and healthy relationship.

We can’t go deep with a partner if we can’t go deep with ourselves. We can’t hold space for another person if we don’t know how to be with our own big emotions. If we’re wired to feel turned on by red flags, or if we don’t know how to receive love unless we’re working hard or abandoning ourselves for it, then we can’t truly attract a conscious partnership. To prepare for a conscious relationship, we need to purify our heart and mind of anything that could potentially sabotage our chances of cocreating healthy love.

Relationships are meant to be a space for us to grow, heal, and play in—but they cannot be our everything. You are not defined by your relationship status or your past relationship failures. Every partner you have ever had has the potential to be a teacher for you. But in order to get the message, you have to release yourself from guilt and shame, and accept things as they are.

You deserve to be free and at home in yourself, to know your worth, and to ask for what you want in a relationship. It’s not enough to just logically understand “concepts” of conscious relationship; you need to embody them. Your relationship with yourself is the secure and loving foundation from which you can give and receive love.

Don’t do this work for anyone else. Do it for you. That way, even if the old life dies, a relationship ends, and everything falls apart, you can trust that you are safe, held, and connected to the divine love that resides within us all.

Throughout this book, I share many personal stories from my childhood and adult relationships. My own journey has been full of heartache and loss, but through those experiences I have found my way to liberated self-love, peace, and a vast, vulnerable love with my life partner. Before I could be ready for the marriage I’m in now with my husband, Ben, I had a lot to unpack from my past. In this book I share with you the healing process and the tools I learned along the way, which have inspired the programs behind Rising Woman.

I have also included client stories that show how our past can affect us and what is possible when we find healing. Names and subtle details have been changed to protect my clients’ privacy and confidentiality. Seeing ourselves in other people’s stories can be deeply healing. It is a reminder that we are never alone in whatever we may be going through.

While I tend to work with women, my work is not gender specific and can apply to any person who engages in a relationship with another human being, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Wherever you are in your life—whether you are single, in a relationship, going through a breakup, or in a painful cycle with dating—the teachings you will learn here span beyond a particular partner or relationship status.

If you’re currently in a relationship, you’ll find these practices equally beneficial and enlightening, and you can use the teachings in this book to gain clarity on what you want and how to show up more powerfully in your partnership. If you’re in a partnership that you’re not sure is right for you, this book will also help you find a way forward that’s rooted in self-devotion.

I want you to know that you can have whatever your heart and soul desires. It is never too late. My prayer for you is that you will be reunited with that sacred connection to yourself, to nature, and to the wisdom of your own heart. When you arrive in this place, you will remember with every cell of your being that you are and have always been capable and worthy of creating love anchored in reverence and truth.


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